Would you ever believe it!
I recently have had a hard time reconciling myself with some events in my life that have left me feeling torn, sad and a little lost, to help myself through it I have decided to start a diary blog to off load memories, life event and my life really, not in any real order just how it comes to my mind…
Today my mother messaged me in what I presume is a drunken message stating that she could not believe I had disowned her and that what had happened was a kiss that never happen and that now that my stepdad knows he makes me uncomfortable he will no longer come round etc, she carries on messaging to say she is seeing a therapist and that she knows my son shakir is angry because she blurted out how he had said matthew my brother and his misses was lying! but she misses and wishes I could forgive her as she was not in her right mind…
she sends these messages as I just feel I am getting on top on my feelings and starting to feel semi normal again…
what is it all about you wonder, Hmmm, last year my stepdad popped around out of the blue! imagine he is been around over 30 years and suddenly he pops by I live central they live deep southeast london? he just wanted to pop in on his way to his friend and say hi, I offer him tea and we chat until I say I need to go to sleep as I have an early start we stand up and he tries to kiss me on the lips I instantly turn my face away and say I not interested, don’t do that again, he says I know your scared of me, no worries you’ll get used to me, I said no I’m not scared I’m just not interested! he then says dont tell your mum… Anyway he leaves… I was a little shaken up and felt suddenly unsafe, and instantly felt like I couldn’t tell my mum because she depended on him and wouldn’t be able to handle it she is fragile. In the following 2 months he tries to pop by no less than 5 times each of which I make an excuse like my boyfriends here or switch all the lights off and pretend to not be home! ignore his calls, and avoid my mums, but then he pops by when my son was at my house and my son says why is Lance (stepdad) visiting you I told him what had happened and how I had been avoiding him because of it etc!
Shakir my son mildly drops the hint to my mum that Lance has been dropping by mine, my mum asks me and I tell her what happened!!! she goes mad and she gets real drunk and decides to do a suicide video call to me, Shakir and my sister while walking to the Thames telling us she loves us and she is sorry for everything she has done etc, me and my son jump in a taxi desperate to get to her before she does something stupid, while calling my brother to try to find her as he was closer… my brother finds her and we join them, we decide to help he get some clothes so she can come stay with me a while, Shakir and my mum go into to get some clothes and Lance lunges as Shakir, ripping his earphones off his neck and breaking them and my mum jumps to intervene and he scratches her face, then we all see what’s happening through the window and run in to help, Lance starts hurling abuse at me and saying I’m a b*tch etc and I’m f***ing crazy, we all leave and my brother drops us off to my sons where we spend the night, I head to works at 6:30am and later that day my son takes my mum to mine where I spend a few days helping her to put together a plain to separate with Lance.
After 3 days my mum goes back home with the intention of staying in the spare room so they can live in the house as a separated couple, the next day she rings crying and saying she is sorry but she loves him and they are sharing a room but they will not have sex and she will continue to do therapy! I said I can’t do this, I said I need time away from all this, its just to disruptive to my mental health, it’s to toxic.
Shakir my son had a chat with mum and tried to get her to see what she was doing, and said she need to be strong etc, that evening she got drunk, returned to the Thames and was calling the Samaritans and my brother had to go get her, they all decided that this was Shakir’s thought cause he has been to honest with my mum and said some hard truths.
I get a call a couple of days later, mum and Shakir due to the earphone that were broken and Lance paid for, my other brother had taken the broken ones saying he could sell them to get Shakir and him some money, but actually he had passed them to Lance so he could get some money back off of them, which Shakir went Ape-shit over, and he demanded his earphones back, understandable, but no the other brother and his misses claim that they had agreed this all along with Shakir, ‘Blatant Lie’ and so refused to return them, so I had to call my mum and ask her to get them back to Shakir otherwise he was going to report it as theft! she arranged for my brother to drive her up and pass the earphones, then the other brother and his misses proceeded to send nasty messages blocking shakir and disowning him from there family, that he is no longer welcome!
by this point I have decided that it’s all just to poisonous, I can’t do it, I get dragged in over and over again and I’m wrecked every time, so I have checked out, I’m done for my own sanity
The main reason I feel this is because this is only the most recent drama, my whole life has been filled with drama, from the earliest years of my life, its all I have ever known, to the point that I started to normalise it for years, but I decided i couldn’t carry on this way as it has taken an enormous toll on my helf and mental health and it is a daily battle to stay positive, motivated and grounded.
I will continue to make diary entries as it is a great way for me to vent, sometimes it will be situations actively happening other times it will be about stories in my past.
Peace out
Ally x
Ally's World 