Diary entry – 01/04/22

Would you ever believe it!

I recently have had a hard time reconciling myself with some events in my life that have left me feeling torn, sad and a little lost, to help myself through it I have decided to start a diary blog to off load memories, life event and my life really, not in any real order just how it comes to my mind…

Today my mother messaged me in what I presume is a drunken message stating that she could not believe I had disowned her and that what had happened was a kiss that never happen and that now that my stepdad knows he makes me uncomfortable he will no longer come round etc, she carries on messaging to say she is seeing a therapist and that she knows my son shakir is angry because she blurted out how he had said matthew my brother and his misses was lying! but she misses and wishes I could forgive her as she was not in her right mind…

she sends these messages as I just feel I am getting on top on my feelings and starting to feel semi normal again…

what is it all about you wonder, Hmmm, last year my stepdad popped around out of the blue! imagine he is been around over 30 years and suddenly he pops by I live central they live deep southeast london? he just wanted to pop in on his way to his friend and say hi, I offer him tea and we chat until I say I need to go to sleep as I have an early start we stand up and he tries to kiss me on the lips I instantly turn my face away and say I not interested, don’t do that again, he says I know your scared of me, no worries you’ll get used to me, I said no I’m not scared I’m just not interested! he then says dont tell your mum… Anyway he leaves… I was a little shaken up and felt suddenly unsafe, and instantly felt like I couldn’t tell my mum because she depended on him and wouldn’t be able to handle it she is fragile. In the following 2 months he tries to pop by no less than 5 times each of which I make an excuse like my boyfriends here or switch all the lights off and pretend to not be home! ignore his calls, and avoid my mums, but then he pops by when my son was at my house and my son says why is Lance (stepdad) visiting you I told him what had happened and how I had been avoiding him because of it etc!

Shakir my son mildly drops the hint to my mum that Lance has been dropping by mine, my mum asks me and I tell her what happened!!! she goes mad and she gets real drunk and decides to do a suicide video call to me, Shakir and my sister while walking to the Thames telling us she loves us and she is sorry for everything she has done etc, me and my son jump in a taxi desperate to get to her before she does something stupid, while calling my brother to try to find her as he was closer… my brother finds her and we join them, we decide to help he get some clothes so she can come stay with me a while, Shakir and my mum go into to get some clothes and Lance lunges as Shakir, ripping his earphones off his neck and breaking them and my mum jumps to intervene and he scratches her face, then we all see what’s happening through the window and run in to help, Lance starts hurling abuse at me and saying I’m a b*tch etc and I’m f***ing crazy, we all leave and my brother drops us off to my sons where we spend the night, I head to works at 6:30am and later that day my son takes my mum to mine where I spend a few days helping her to put together a plain to separate with Lance.

After 3 days my mum goes back home with the intention of staying in the spare room so they can live in the house as a separated couple, the next day she rings crying and saying she is sorry but she loves him and they are sharing a room but they will not have sex and she will continue to do therapy! I said I can’t do this, I said I need time away from all this, its just to disruptive to my mental health, it’s to toxic.

Shakir my son had a chat with mum and tried to get her to see what she was doing, and said she need to be strong etc, that evening she got drunk, returned to the Thames and was calling the Samaritans and my brother had to go get her, they all decided that this was Shakir’s thought cause he has been to honest with my mum and said some hard truths.

I get a call a couple of days later, mum and Shakir due to the earphone that were broken and Lance paid for, my other brother had taken the broken ones saying he could sell them to get Shakir and him some money, but actually he had passed them to Lance so he could get some money back off of them, which Shakir went Ape-shit over, and he demanded his earphones back, understandable, but no the other brother and his misses claim that they had agreed this all along with Shakir, ‘Blatant Lie’ and so refused to return them, so I had to call my mum and ask her to get them back to Shakir otherwise he was going to report it as theft! she arranged for my brother to drive her up and pass the earphones, then the other brother and his misses proceeded to send nasty messages blocking shakir and disowning him from there family, that he is no longer welcome!

by this point I have decided that it’s all just to poisonous, I can’t do it, I get dragged in over and over again and I’m wrecked every time, so I have checked out, I’m done for my own sanity

The main reason I feel this is because this is only the most recent drama, my whole life has been filled with drama, from the earliest years of my life, its all I have ever known, to the point that I started to normalise it for years, but I decided i couldn’t carry on this way as it has taken an enormous toll on my helf and mental health and it is a daily battle to stay positive, motivated and grounded.

I will continue to make diary entries as it is a great way for me to vent, sometimes it will be situations actively happening other times it will be about stories in my past.

Peace out
Ally x

Soul Wrenching

Just a little while ago I just happened across a post on facebook with this tiny boy of only 2 years old who was outcast in his village in Nigeria because his family believed he was a witch, which is a common problem all over the world apparently, It breaks my heart that humans are capable of such monstrosities, I know it is just one story of the billions of stories out there and although I know it is not good to be ignorant of what is happening in the world we live in, I admittedly avoid stories like this and others too, because it just breaks me a little every time, I tear  up and feel so sad and helpless’ which any decent human should do, but I become so depressed that I can’t function in such a world, it hurts so much to know we have such persons around us.  I try to be positive and make a difference immediately around me, and every where I go, but if I am sadden so much so by the daily horrors going on out there throughout the world I feel immense sadness that I barely seize to function, overcome by depression, I can not envision change.

So sadly I chose not to watch the news or read the newspapers and I avoid stories of such monstrosities, because I can not help nor change them, but if I can be positive and upbeat and try to bring a smile to those immediately around me, that will make a difference around me. I think love, positivity and happiness is infectious and every person in the world should pass it on, we all have a little something we can pass on, maybe more than just happiness or a smile, so why not all do it, be the difference and try to change the world a little bit at a time.

Power of positivity & happiness is real, help the wave of it pass through the world and everyone in it, help those you can and keep upbeat, imagine the difference a smile, a hug can make, be that difference, and if you can give and do more then do.

Show Love & Compassion.

 

The Video that made me cry today…

Never say Never

So here i am ‘getting married’ i never thought i would be doing so again, after the first disaster, i always said never.  The first time i got married i was an emotional wreck, i had just had a health scare and suddenly life seemed so short and fear crept into my soul I was suddenly lonely and worried i would never get to be a mother and never experience family life, so there i was back at work literally the day after surgery, not wanting to be at home alone with my nasty negative thoughts to keep me company, I threw myself into work, I was the supervisor at Etams Plc & Tammy Girl in Oxford Street, London and I was doing well, I had just turned 23. Anyway as i had decided to work only one day after being out of hospital, i was assigned an assistant to make sure i did not lift anything heavy, and to generally be at my beck & call for anything i may need, he shadowed me everywhere and was the perfect gentlemen and of course one thing lead to another and there i was falling for him, I knew him as Reda a 21 year old from France, we quickly moved in together and within a couple of months he asked me to marry him of course as i said before I was lonely and eager to have a family, so of course I said yes…
all was going well, we meet each others friends and family we talked in depth about what we wanted in the future and we started planning the day, just 3 days before we were getting married he told me he need to confess something… he looked very serious and was scaring me, he told me “My name is not Reda it is Miloud and I am Moroccan and i am 26 years old” i was shocked and i panicked, what do i do? we are getting married in 3 days! my world was rocked again and I knew i could not face the drama so i did not, I said “it’s okay we can still get married”, he said “but i am illegal here, i don’t have a visa” I said “it’s okay, we will work it out” and so we got married and started the immigration process for him to live in the UK…
within one month of marriage i was pregnant and I was happy 🙂 we were staying with my mum and she hated Miloud as did everyone who meet him, I just couldn’t see what it was they hated, I was in my bubble choosing to see the roses and not the reality of what was going on, Miloud was slowly changing we against my will, constantly grinding me down, but it was better than being alone, we eventually got our own flat and that’s when things really changed, I was waking up, I was 5 months pregnant and i was finally seeing how bad he was with me, he would take my whole salary each month and just give me money to cover the bills and a measly 20 pounds a month pocket money, he would not let me buy anything for the baby he said we were saving for our future, yet when he wanted to spend on luxuries and frivolities he would.  He told me to sell all my old clothes on the boot markets as i was not allowed to wear them anymore, he would do my hair the way he wanted it and dress me the way he wanted to.  Then he told me I was not allowed to laugh with my work colleagues anymore, that they needed to see me as authority and how could they do that if I joke with them, he would come in and spy on me, check if i am being serious with everyone and that i was covered up of course as he had also made me cover up my arms, legs, neck, ankles, feet etc, also my clothes had to be very baggy, i was not allowed to wear trousers that would show my shape.  He was not working but still expected me to cook fresh home cooked meals three times a day and to keep the house in spic and spam condition, he would do nasty things like hide and piece of wool or tiny bits of paper under something and check for it after I had finished and start big fights saying I was lazy and did not know how to clean.  When I cooked Moroccan food he would insult it and tell me it was rubbish and his mums was better.  When i was late home from work for even one minute he would scream and shout at me and accuse me of cheating on him.

He made my life hell and on top of it all he was awful with our Son, he would torment him, not letting him to sleep all day from days old and not allowing me to buy a soothing gel ring to help him with his sore gums, shouting at me and our Son in the night because of him crying, he even threw him across the room while i was holding him, because he was screaming at me for being twenty minutes late home from work…

Anyway it was endless!  When Shakir our son was 2 1/2 years old I started a home business making jewellery and selling it online, my self-confidence and self worth was starting to grow or should i say return, my husband really had taken a toll on me and truthfully I think he was this way because he was just using me to get his residence status in England.  Anyway  I finally snapped and kicked him out I was done and I was ready to start healing with my Son…

So after such a nasty marriage of which the only good thing that came was our Son Shakir, I swore never to marry again and yet here i am again getting married, but this time it is because of a genuine love for each other we have been together for a year now and I can proudly say everyday I am happier and deeper in love, just the mere thought of him puts a smile on my face that makes my whole body smile, I feel light, I am always happy, even when I am angry…

So I take back what I have said in the past about never and replace it with “never say never”

To happiness that makes your soul fly and your heart flutter X

CairoBox

You can find my jewellery collection on sale at The CairoBox, Street 231, Degla, Maadi, click to take you to there Facebook Page and friend them, better yet why not check them out, the owner is a old friend Mohamed Abdulla, better known as Momo, he shop has a vast selection of Artistic finds, ranging from Jewellery ;), Bags, Lamps, Pictures, Art works, Furniture and much more, whether you are an artist, jeweler, crafter wanting to sell (unique hand-crafts) or just looking for something unique to buy for the home or for a gift I highly recommend and NO not because he is a friend or that my stuff is for sale there, I genuinely love his shop, every time I go there to do inventory on m jewellery it takes all my strength & willpower to hold back from purchasing something lovely that’s taken my fancy…

This is my Display at CairoBox,