So here i am ‘getting married’ i never thought i would be doing so again, after the first disaster, i always said never. The first time i got married i was an emotional wreck, i had just had a health scare and suddenly life seemed so short and fear crept into my soul I was suddenly lonely and worried i would never get to be a mother and never experience family life, so there i was back at work literally the day after surgery, not wanting to be at home alone with my nasty negative thoughts to keep me company, I threw myself into work, I was the supervisor at Etams Plc & Tammy Girl in Oxford Street, London and I was doing well, I had just turned 23. Anyway as i had decided to work only one day after being out of hospital, i was assigned an assistant to make sure i did not lift anything heavy, and to generally be at my beck & call for anything i may need, he shadowed me everywhere and was the perfect gentlemen and of course one thing lead to another and there i was falling for him, I knew him as Reda a 21 year old from France, we quickly moved in together and within a couple of months he asked me to marry him of course as i said before I was lonely and eager to have a family, so of course I said yes…
all was going well, we meet each others friends and family we talked in depth about what we wanted in the future and we started planning the day, just 3 days before we were getting married he told me he need to confess something… he looked very serious and was scaring me, he told me “My name is not Reda it is Miloud and I am Moroccan and i am 26 years old” i was shocked and i panicked, what do i do? we are getting married in 3 days! my world was rocked again and I knew i could not face the drama so i did not, I said “it’s okay we can still get married”, he said “but i am illegal here, i don’t have a visa” I said “it’s okay, we will work it out” and so we got married and started the immigration process for him to live in the UK…
within one month of marriage i was pregnant and I was happy 🙂 we were staying with my mum and she hated Miloud as did everyone who meet him, I just couldn’t see what it was they hated, I was in my bubble choosing to see the roses and not the reality of what was going on, Miloud was slowly changing we against my will, constantly grinding me down, but it was better than being alone, we eventually got our own flat and that’s when things really changed, I was waking up, I was 5 months pregnant and i was finally seeing how bad he was with me, he would take my whole salary each month and just give me money to cover the bills and a measly 20 pounds a month pocket money, he would not let me buy anything for the baby he said we were saving for our future, yet when he wanted to spend on luxuries and frivolities he would. He told me to sell all my old clothes on the boot markets as i was not allowed to wear them anymore, he would do my hair the way he wanted it and dress me the way he wanted to. Then he told me I was not allowed to laugh with my work colleagues anymore, that they needed to see me as authority and how could they do that if I joke with them, he would come in and spy on me, check if i am being serious with everyone and that i was covered up of course as he had also made me cover up my arms, legs, neck, ankles, feet etc, also my clothes had to be very baggy, i was not allowed to wear trousers that would show my shape. He was not working but still expected me to cook fresh home cooked meals three times a day and to keep the house in spic and spam condition, he would do nasty things like hide and piece of wool or tiny bits of paper under something and check for it after I had finished and start big fights saying I was lazy and did not know how to clean. When I cooked Moroccan food he would insult it and tell me it was rubbish and his mums was better. When i was late home from work for even one minute he would scream and shout at me and accuse me of cheating on him.
He made my life hell and on top of it all he was awful with our Son, he would torment him, not letting him to sleep all day from days old and not allowing me to buy a soothing gel ring to help him with his sore gums, shouting at me and our Son in the night because of him crying, he even threw him across the room while i was holding him, because he was screaming at me for being twenty minutes late home from work…
Anyway it was endless! When Shakir our son was 2 1/2 years old I started a home business making jewellery and selling it online, my self-confidence and self worth was starting to grow or should i say return, my husband really had taken a toll on me and truthfully I think he was this way because he was just using me to get his residence status in England. Anyway I finally snapped and kicked him out I was done and I was ready to start healing with my Son…
So after such a nasty marriage of which the only good thing that came was our Son Shakir, I swore never to marry again and yet here i am again getting married, but this time it is because of a genuine love for each other we have been together for a year now and I can proudly say everyday I am happier and deeper in love, just the mere thought of him puts a smile on my face that makes my whole body smile, I feel light, I am always happy, even when I am angry…
So I take back what I have said in the past about never and replace it with “never say never”
To happiness that makes your soul fly and your heart flutter X
Ally's World 